Preshrunk

Disneyland’s Jungle Cruise has sort of spoiled my opinion of hippos. For those of you that have never been, there’s a section of the ride where a pool of them are wiggling their ears and blowing bubbles. This is supposed to signal their intent to charge the boat and fuck some shit up.

To keep everybody “safe” tho, the skipper fires a gun into the air hoping he (or she) will end up spooking the angry beasts. And they always do. Even if it would be more fun to have the boat get shaken a little bit. You know, sort of like it was getting bumped by a hippo who is getting ready to attack. Seriously, that would be rad. On top of that, it’d freak out the tourists a bit — which is always fun as far as I’m concerned. You listening, Imagineering?

This experience has taught me two things that are possibly incorrect about these fair creatures tho:

1. Hippos are always PMS’ing. Because of this they’ll attack anything that gets close.
2. Wave a gun around — even a starter pistol full of blanks — and they’ll back right down.

Wikipedia says they’re pretty cranky by nature, so that much is true. But if you flash a piece, it sounds like they’ll still run up on you. Like the Suge Knight of the animal kingdom.

So don’t buy the Disney hype. If you see a hippo and aren’t on safari or in a zoo, put as much space between you and it as possible. More so if you’re wearing any sort of zebra print.

$22.50 | PayPal | URL | M: S - 2XL, F: XS - L