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Little known fact: Before he was a president, Abraham Lincoln was a celebrated lifeguard. Even while he was a president, he policed kids in the pool. And this was even besides his secret career as a vampire hunter. Add that to running a Civil War and all the administrative details of the presidency, and you realize that Abe was very busy man. How does he do it? He’s actually an illusion created by rock-like aliens. SPOILERS! Wrap this cloth around your torso and spread the gospel of Abraham Lincoln’s rock-like ancestry.

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